Kung Fu Mecha

Let me tell you a story.
Here at work, there are these automated boxes in the Men’s that will release air freshener at regular intervals, an invention that was far, far too long in coming, and should really be more widespread.
Anyway.
We have these boxes and I love them as much as anyone can or should love inanimate objects in a public restroom, which is to say, approximately as much as the average person loves his friendly in-laws. But (and there is always a But, especially in a bathroom! Seriously, I crack myself up) I have a problem with these things, in that when they release the air fresher, it sounds exactly like someone sneezing. Exactly like.
Can you imagine how you’d feel, alone in the bathroom, when your most intimate of actions was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a quiet sneeze? Does the terror of that moment still your heart and freeze your insides?
It does mine, my friend. It does mine.